About four years ago I began to develop severe anxiety along with depression (which I had never considered). Depression to me was something that I should be ashamed of having and something that I simply would not admit. Although I constantly felt down and unhappy, I chose to ignore it and keep plugging away, not paying any attention to what I was putting my soul through. I was ashamed of telling anyone how bad I felt. I kept it from my family, my boyfriend, my friends, and pretty much anyone who I came in contact with. After a while, putting on my "happy face" started to wear me down. It wasn't until October of this year that I finally broke.
I remember the day that my soul simply gave up. It was early October of 2013. I was living at school with my friends and seemed to be enjoying my senior year. I had been exercising regularly, so I had been feeling more energized and less anxious. Then all of a sudden, my dad lost the job he had had for fifteen years. I got the call while I was at the gym and I was in shock. I always knew that it was possible for him to lose his job, but I never really thought that it would happen. My family and I have lived a comfortable life and I am blessed for that. In that instant I felt like everything was crumbling. I guess I never realized how much worth I put on my dad having a job close to home that kept us all happy and healthy and never wanting for anything. From that moment on things began to unravel. The depression hit hard. It started with one stomach ache that I thought was just from eating something bad. Then, I started to notice a huge pit in my stomach every time I thought about something that used to make me happy. I could not focus on anything or look at anything that held good memories without feeling sick to my stomach. I ignored this for about a week and a half. And that was it.
I came home from college on October 2nd and never went back that semester, except to move my stuff out. When I got home that day I was mentally and physically drained. Desperate, I went to the backyard and laid on the grass. It was almost like I was trying anything to get my feet under me; to feel like I was part of something and not just feeling like I was aimlessly floating in the air. Although it was a good try, it made no difference. That night I broke down. I cried and cried to my mom and didn't even know why I was feeling so horrible. I had a constant feeling of panic that wouldn't go away. For a few nights I even slept on the bathroom floor of my parents bathroom because the fan light helped me to relax. It was the only small bit of relief that I could find in the moment.
My anxiety and depression was so bad that I could not eat anything at all. All I could do was think about how wrong I felt, how wrong everything felt. For anyone who has never experienced depression before, I assure you it is one of the most hopeless and horrible feelings a human could ever experience. It is not anything that I would ever wish on my worst enemy. For me, it was like I couldn't catch my breath and felt like I was drowning in a sea of pure panic. Everything scared me, but I cared about nothing at the same time. I had always been one to wonder how people could take their own lives. I always wondered, "How could someone feel so low that they would want to take themselves away from this earth?" I can tell you now that I completely understand. Although I did not have suicidal thoughts, if I had stayed in the state I was in for an extended period of time, there is no doubt that the idea would have at least crossed my mind. When you are feeling so low you feel like things will never improve and that you will feel sick forever. For anyone who is battling with depression right now, I am here to tell you that IT WILL get better. Although you might feel like there is no hope for you, there is.
My treatment began by going on medication as well as doing talk therapy. I cried the first time I took a dose of my anti-depressant. I was so ashamed of myself that I could not fight this demon away on my own. Now I can sit here and say that my view on medication is 100% changed. It saved my life. Along with a good therapist every week, it pulled me out of the dark hole that I was living in. It helped me to see that life is beautiful and wonderful and that there are so many things to be happy about. It also taught me that there is no reason why anyone should have to live their life unhappy. For years I was in denial about being unhappy, and now I only wish that I had gotten help sooner. With the correct help and support I am highly confident that anyone can turn around their thinking and feel joy instead of pain.
This is not an easy task by any means, but if you are willing to take the plunge and truly do some soul searching, in time you will find your inner peace.
For me, my inner peace began to develop when I realized that it is okay to be different from others. For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me when I felt like I didn't fit in with the other people that I went to school with. I felt worthless and was always comparing myself to what others looked like or wondering why they seemed to have no worries in the world when I seemed to have millions. Once I realized that I was an individual and that there was nothing wrong with me I began to find my confidence. Counseling was something that really helped me with this. It helped me to understand that why I was feeling so low was not my fault, and that I possess other amazing and unique aspects and attributes that I should not be afraid to share with the world. This is a process that I am still working on, but I have made some serious progress over the past seven months.
The next realization, and possibly the most important one, was when I truly accepted that I have a sensitive soul. I do not do well around large crowds or in places where there is a lot of chaos, such as cities or large parties. It is simply too much stimulation for me to handle. Moving home from school helped me find my inner peace and allowed me to quiet my mind everyday and to not feel guilty about taking time for me. I also no longer had the opportunity to be bothered every minute of the day, which allowed me to find the beauty in being alone with your thoughts, and how powerful this is.
I deleted the news apps on my phone, because all they did was bring me bad news from all over the world, which increased my anxiety dramatically. I quit my job that was a constant drain on me mentally. I took the rest of the semester off to focus on myself and getting better.
I took bubble baths every night and allowed myself to indulge in treats that I used to feel guilty about eating. I spent more time with my mom, who is one of the main reasons why I got through this tough time in my life. I tried my best to reflect on the good rather than the bad (sometimes easier said than done! But I tried nonetheless). I read a lot about my medications and about anxiety and depression. I am pretty much an expert on both by now! This gave my comfort and helped me realize that I was and am not alone by any means.
Recently, I have been learning to live day to day. Every moment when I am happy is a huge success for me. I have been working on making my relationships stronger, and have been spending more time with those who matter the most to me. I also re-did my bedroom so that I had a peaceful place to lay my head and reflect on life (but not too much!). I have been embracing the more natural side to life and treating myself to countless candles and lotions to help calm my mind through aromatherapy.
Although I am not quite where I want to be, I am well on my way. I hope that this blog will help anyone who is struggling just as I was. For those who are lucky enough to have not struggled like this, I hope that this blog will allow you to become more understanding and loving towards those who need your help.
I look forward to sharing each step of my journey with you :)
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